The true confessions of Josephus

2012-01-26T00:28:00.000-08:00

When I was at home for Christmas I made my mom read the poem 'Israfel' to me, by Poe. It sounds silly I know but the I love that poem, and for some reason I really wanted to hear it w/my mother's voice. She thought it was silly, but I agreed. I love my mom.

In Heaven a spirit doth dwell
"Whose heart-strings are a lute";
None sing so wildly well
As the angel Israfel,
And the giddy stars (so legends tell),
Ceasing their hymns, attend the spell
Of his voice, all mute.
Tottering above
In her highest noon,
The enamored moon
Blushes with love,
While, to listen, the red levin
(With the rapid Pleiads, even,
Which were seven,)
Pauses in Heaven.

And they say (the starry choir
And the other listening things)
That Israfeli's fire
Is owing to that lyre
By which he sits and sings-
The trembling living wire
Of those unusual strings.

But the skies that angel trod,
Where deep thoughts are a duty-
Where Love's a grown-up God-
Where the Houri glances are
Imbued with all the beauty
Which we worship in a star.

Therefore thou art not wrong,
Israfeli, who despisest
An unimpassioned song;
To thee the laurels belong,
Best bard, because the wisest!
Merrily live, and long!

The ecstasies above
With thy burning measures suit-
Thy grief, thy joy, thy hate, thy love,
With the fervor of thy lute-
Well may the stars be mute!

Yes, Heaven is thine; but this
Is a world of sweets and sours;
Our flowers are merely–flowers,
And the shadow of thy perfect bliss
Is the sunshine of ours.

If I could dwell
Where Israfel
Hath dwelt, and he where I,
He might not sing so wildly well
A mortal melody,
While a bolder note than this might swell
From my lyre within the sky.

THE END

2012-01-23T11:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I did some really stupid and insensitive things to an amazing friend. I guess I've just been so wrapped up in my own problems I've forgotten that other people have feelings too :-/

2012-01-11T02:42:00.001-08:00

Last Saturday Tania and I watched an Indian movie called 'Fire'. Its not new, made in 1996, but it sparked a lot of controversy in India when it was made. Basic plot:
Indian couple, an arranged marriage, where the wife is infertile. The husband is of a particular sect of Hinduism that thinks sex should only be for procreation. His swami (priest) suggests that he embrace celibacy to bring him closer to god(s). This also entails the practice of surrounding himself by things he finds tempting and then resisting to touch them. The husband puts this to practice with his wife so anytime he feels horny he has her lay down next to him and he refuses to touch her. This goes on for 13 years.

Husband younger brother is in love with a Chinese girl living in India. She's modern and carefree, only wanting a sexual and emotional relationship with the young man but turning down his marriage proposal. He is in love w/her so he continues seeing her and despite all this goes through with an arranged marriage with an Indian girl named Seta.

Seta is brought into the unhappy household with a husband who openly doesn't like her and who has sex with her quickly and roughly (her virginity is taken in the most cold, un-affectionate way possible) while admitting to her that he loves another. She would have given the relationship a go.

Longstory short the two sister-in-laws fall in love with each other and drama ensues. One of the themes the older, barren woman talks about is how she is so unused to having desire, its alien for her. Her husband and his swami believe that it elevates someone spiritually to forego desire, but she believes that it is desire that makes us live and makes life worth living.

That got me thinking about desire and the role it plays in my life. I wouldn't know what its like to be in her situation, I could only imagine. My life has been full of desire, still is I suppose. What would it be without it? I don't think I agree with the swami, or the Buddhist idea, that the abandonment of desire brings about the ultimate human experience, i.e. the absence of experience (?). Wouldn't I just be dead, or comatose If I never had any desires? Or would I be completely satiated and need of nothing? But if I don't need anything then what about beautiful things like love, company, and laughter? Would life be worth living?

As a Christian we gain our lives by loosing them, meaning the total surrender of a life to God is what brings the true life, which is the true prize where the old life is a sort of fool's gold I suppose.

And how do you live without desire? Never wanting or being wanted. Interesting...maybe it would be liberating, but perhaps also very lonely.

2012-01-10T03:03:00.000-08:00

Okay its beyond my bedtime. I don't know why but the Prophet Elijah has been on my mind a lot, particularly this morning. He was a renown prophet of God in the Old Testament.

One day he went up to a mountain and experienced all these trippy things, a violent wind, an earthquake, then a great fire but God wasn't in any of those, he found God in a whisper. It says eventually God took him up to heaven in a whirlwind, right in front of his successor, the prophet Elisha (S not J, I always get the two prophets confused. Its easy to remember when you think of it like this: J comes before S so Elijah comes before Elisha).

I wonder what did it feel like to be taken up into heaven, and what kind of man was Elijah really? Like I know he did all these amazing things, but I wonder what he felt about them. Was he ever in love? Did he have any friends? It says a lot of them were killed, his friends that is.

Then I wonder what it feels like to be so spiritual that you're just taken, transcending the physical world. Was it the best experience a human could have or did he forsake the physical for the spiritual and obtained something amazing, but different. i.e. he walked with the Lord in a closer relationship than most people will ever have, but did he ever know what it was like to love a woman? Or was it like Jesus says that someone who forsakes his life ends up finding it?

Then I wonder if Elijah was lonely. Eugene O'Neil is a playwright who wrote 'Long Day's Journey Into Night'. In it one of the characters, an alcoholic dying of consumption, muses that 'it was a great mistake my being born a man, I would have been much more successful as a seagull or a fish, as it stands I will always be stranger, one who does want, and is not really wanted." I think that's how it goes, I performed it for class and have it memorized, but it was awhile ago and it may not be word per word. But I wonder if that's how Elijah felt- alone, above, and apart. Was Elijah never really a part of humanity? How does that feel and what was life like for him once he went into heaven?

2012-01-05T02:26:00.000-08:00

Therapy was really helpful last week after my holiday weirdness. I'll try to streamline and itemize the things we talked about and how the conclusions helped me.
My issues (for that day, lol)
1. The feelings of shame and worthlessness I get from comparing myself to other attorneys (and working actors)
2. The same feelings that surface when I'm unemployed, i.e. I'm not earning well so my ancestors (grandparents and those who passed before me) as well as my current relatives are ashamed of me.
3. The idea that I'm the same as my older brother who is a drug addict and destitute or that people, my family, view me as such.
4. and the strain/fam conflict that was around during the holidays coupled w/my mother's yearly holiday madness.

Essentially he helped pick through the reality of the situation vs. the way I'm feeling about a particular situation.
1. My life journey is different than that of my peers, particularly other attorneys. I made the choice, a long time ago, not to pursue a legal career, at all basically and thus my life is not going to look like someone who hopped into a big law firm out of school.
Then we talked a lot about definitions of success, and how I automatically assumed that equates money. For instance, I forsook an attorney's life, basically, and the $$ that could have come with it didn't appeal to me because the life I thought was so unappealing. And there are plenty of people struggling.

Its weird for me because I didn't grow up struggling, and was earning pretty good $$ doing contract work for a few years right out of law school. Basically I'm learning not to associate my self worth with how much money I have at the moment. If that's my focus I would need to change my life, not focus on acting, and focus on a legal which I don't want to do.

Also anytime I get weird about my progress in acting he always tells me his Tori Spelling story. It goes like this: he had a client, stunningly beautiful and a great actress as he'd seen her perform before. She couldn't make it in Hollywood, it was too trying for her emotionally so she gave up and went back home. Then there's Tori Spelling, who, by many accounts, is not a good, or even mediocre, actress or really that attractive, and she's made tons of movies. Why's it like that? That's just the bizarro way our industry works, if someone isn't doing well in it, it's not their talent, looks, or worth as a performer that is necessarily the problem.

That being said I'm in it to win it out here, but that analogy is comforting, in a strange way.

2. My past relatives/ancestors who I perceive would be ashamed of me. He asked me where they came from, the short answer is various parts of Europe. Then he said, "well it stands to reason they brought all their vast fortunes over here with them".
I responded, of course they didn't, they were dirt poor immigrant farmers, then I had the epiphany. This whole time I've been worried that bunch of dirt poor farmers would look down on me for being poor. It was like a weight lifted off me. I don't know why I beat myself up so bad over those kind of things, but I have to stop.

3. For thinking that I'm just like my brother we dissected it like this. He's the way he is as a result of 100s of choices he's made over the 25 years. It didn't just happen. The concept that I'd be just like him sporadically is ludicrous. Also we talked about how when we see things like that, people in distress, extreme poverty, etc it is going to affect us in emotionally stirring ways, particularly when its your own family. However the line is when I start constructing illogical worries that spring out of that.

4. Then we talked about how the strain of the holidays is just there, and expecting there to be no strain can actually cause strain. Its okay to feel distressed over it, but don't think its going to be perfect. Also, I need to let my mom just be my mom. She wants a big to-do at her house, but hates preparing for it. That's just who she is , and as crazy as it makes me I just need to accept it. She has fun once the party starts, and I just need to take her for who she is and let her be stressed if she's stressed.

2012-01-04T01:47:00.000-08:00

Hello Blog,
I've been meaning to talk about this for awhile but have not because I was afraid of looking to sullen or being a downer all the time. That being said its time to come clean, I struggle with depression.

I've been aware of it for roughly 6 months although those closest to me say its been more like 1 year and a half. This doesn't mean I'm down all the time, but my emotions have been really fluctuating from normal (with all expected highs and lows) to going way down when something bad happens.

So there it is. I've been seeing a therapist about it and things have been really improving, but the holidays were particularly difficult for me. Thankfully my depression is categorized as minor so there is no medication involved, only therapy and generally talking about my feelings and problems.

A lot of my depression stems from my general feelings of worthlessness when I'm off work. I do these contract attorney gigs (temp work) to finance the pursuit of my dream (Acting). When I first got out to LA these projects were, for the most part, plentiful. I never went that long without work and I landed some pretty sweet gigs that lasted for a long time. I got used to earning a higher income in a fairly cushy environment. And then it all just, fell apart. The recession happened, a lot of doc review dried up, and now I can wait about a month or two between projects. When that happens I feel ashamed, and shunned like I've let my family and society down.

When I was at home for Christmas the first night, I couldn't sleep so I went in the living room at night and looked through all the old photos of my grandparents and old relatives long gone. I couldn't shake the feeling that they would all be ashamed of me, and wish I wasn't there descendant because of the way my life is.

It was my job to go pick up my eldest brother and his son for Christmas eve. Both of them are basically destitute and when I saw them I got this overwhelming dread that I too would end up like that and that all my family thought I was of the same caliber. It put in a funk for the rest of the evening that I didn't bounce back from until much later in the night.

My shrink has really helped me when I deal with those kind of emotions and jump to those crazy conclusions. It stems from examining the reality vs. the emotions of what I'm feeling and then responding in certain ways. I.E. there's no evidence whatsoever that my family looks on me w/disdain, quite the opposite in fact, so I'm supposed to take that information and use it to quell the irrational feelings. I was doing so well with my daily life, but the holidays just got me in such a funk. I think because I wasn't prepared to deal with a lot of the family dynamics.

For instance holiday planning drives my mother, well bonkers. She almost teeters on the edge of reason when it comes to preparing holiday festivities for the whole family. The irony of the situation is she insists on having it at her house. Also there was some tension as to other family members not wanting to spend Christmas with my eldest brother who is a drug addict. So stepping into that got me down and pulling back up was difficult.

That being said there were lots of great times at home this year, fun parties, had a great day with my sis and nephew on Monday, Christmas eve was great once I got my head on straight.

So I'm still struggling. I thought I was out of the woods but I guess I have a way to go.

2012-01-02T20:23:00.001-08:00

I still don't know why everyone loves Boba Fett.

2012-01-02T20:18:00.001-08:00

Watching 'The Empire Strikes Back' with a friend. Man, I love that movie.

2012-01-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

Well my nephew's account that he set up like a million years ago expired (lol) so my pis went down, BUT I found copies of them in the recesses of my hard drive (the logo, etc) and will repost them soon.

That being said, Happy New Year!

2011-12-12T20:09:00.001-08:00

I've been avoiding this for awhile, but its time to ::sigh:: fold clothes.

2011-12-08T20:31:00.001-08:00

Why's all this stationary in my bookbag?

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2011-12-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

Super busy day today:
I found myself an audition for this spanish commerical where they wanted dudes who could toss pizza dough really well. I tried tossing the dough last night to practice (first time) but couldn't do it anywhere near competently (I you-tubed guys who could do it well, its nuts!) so that part of my schedule cleared
I had an independant film shoot this morning which was...werid

RANDOMLY a kid from my acting workshop was in it too. He claims to be assexual but simultaneously addicted to porn, I don't know how that works out. He played a serial killer who strangled me in the park. He wore super tight express for men clothes and handled me bizarrely gently.

After that I went to my coca-cola print audition, the casting directors seemed to like me and there dog was there which they let me pet and we chatted about him a lot.
He was used as pitt bull bait as a puppy (doggy they put in w/pitts to make them fight, bad stuff) but they rescued him. His name was Jake and he was super cool
now I'm at the homeless shelter volunteering for a few hours, and the nuns feed me! woohooo!!!

630 is rehearsal and then 730 is acting class, after which my ex-roommate's ex-girlfriend has invited me to go hear her friend play a set in Hollywood.

2011-11-07T17:30:00.001-08:00

Ok- new attitude re: auditions. From now on every audition is a performance and when I'm finished with it I will consider the curtain to have gone down and will move on.

2011-11-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

On Oct 18th, I dont know why Im just writing about this now, I got an under-5 [under 5 line part] on a Soap Opera. It was a lot of fun. My role was a thief and I got a special outfit and my own dressing room! Believe it or not most of the day was spent just chilling out in my dressing room. I forgot to bring something to do, I always forget- last commercial I had a role on I just sat around for hours. One of the little boys in the shoot came up and told me all about his favorite Mario games which was really funny. OH, so I also forgot to bring a book or my laptop to the Soap Set. My room had a comfy couch and I napped for a bit and then channel surfed for the 1st time in ages (I don't have a tv).

Shooting my actual part only took about 30 minutes, one of the main characters in the show chased me through an alleyway, lol. But it was a fun day and I'm looking forward to more of it!

2011-11-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

So today's thoughts:
I had my audition last Friday morning at 11am before I flew out for a quick weekend trip to Oklahoma for my sister's 50th birthday party. The casting director described my 1st take as perfect and then gave me two other takes with some re-directions to switch things up a bit.

As I finished she told me that they were 3 great takes and I went on my way. However btw take 2 and 3 I noticed that I inadvertently dropped a line on the last page. AHHH! I never, NEVER drop lines. Oye vey. I wanted the performance to be perfect. Her line before mine (can't say exactly what it was, copyright) made me think she had skipped that part, when in actuality she didn't. Luckily the line I gave made sense (it was a simple question, i.e. why was that, etc) and it ran smoothly but still. Ryan and Jo think I should take the compliment that a major casting office described a performance of mine as 'perfect' but its hard to, because, well, it wasn't perfect. And casting directors say things all the time. Granted if they don't like you they just say thanks and let you go, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm this colossal screw up sometimes. I got a lot of anxiety about it on the plane ride to Oklahoma, like I let everyone down and I was embarrassed about it.

But as hard as it is for me I'm trying to take the positive from it. Next time I need to KNOW all my partner's lines also in case they're ambiguous, and just get back to work. Working actors work like dogs, and I'm not cut out to be an attorney. That part of me, the lawyer part however much it was, died a while ago and I'm glad. I don't like working with lawyers, they're mean. So to work.

2011-11-03T17:05:00.001-07:00

I'm auditioning for Hawaii 5 O tomorrow =)

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2011-11-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

Its nice to have support from friends and family. My mom, sister, and my friends were really great with me when I got down the other day.

2011-11-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
Okay, I had my woe-is-me evening yesterday and I'm much better. Perhaps I just needed a night to lick my wounds? In any event, I'm up and energized to seek out other things!

2011-11-02T00:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
Sorry to be so bummy (is that a word?), and for writing in sentence fragments. That last sentence should have started with an I. I've been told though its narcissistic to put too many I's in a letter so I opted for poor grammar over rudeness.

Its been a rough week for me. Last week I was ending a doc review gig (you know were this is going I'm sure) and wanted to start on another one that was starting up as the current one was winding down. This involved playing sick (they never want you to leave early, they'd rather you eat out of a trash can), and then hopping onto the other one, hoping the current one would end in a timely fashion. That didn't happen, the new one let me go for coding a document(s) wrong (they didn't specify what kind or how much) and that threw my whole week into a loop. The old job took me back, kind of, but not after the boss cursed me out.

My sister Danita keeps telling me that the 30s are great years, but so far they're not super great. My acting has improved by leaps and bounds (pain for me= good acting) but I feel like my worth/value as a person has decreased. I get comments tossed my way like "you'd better get married fast before you're too old" or "you'd better get your acting career up and running as no one will want you in a couple of years." Also in an act of superb stupidity my church sent me a letter last summer asking those of us in our 30s to please not attend the evening service anymore. In addition to the above I've been told I'm not really an adult as I do not have a spouse or children. BLAH. Its like I continually fail to live up to everyone's expectations, whatever they may be. Alas, I'm not fine wine. I have an expiration date which is swiftly approaching, if not already upon me.

But I could be down in the dumps also because I just got dumped. She wasn't horrible to me, but it still sucks.

2011-11-02T00:41:00.001-07:00

Mirror in the sky, what is love?

2011-11-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

I'd like to tell you that I'm taking this well, but I'm listening to "tonight the heartache's on me" by the dixie chicks and drinking a bud.

2011-11-01T22:43:00.001-07:00

Just got dumped, via text message. =(

2011-11-01T22:36:00.001-07:00

I think I'm officially understanding what it means to be a starving artist (actor). It can suck but its also enthralling in a way, a weird way. Turned down a permanent job w/benefits a couple of weeks ago. Sounds crazy but it would have seriously if not terminally pulled my focus away from acting. So I'm temping still, and am ok with that. My instructors have been really pleased with my progress. One (who is SUPER critical of my work) said last week was the best she'd ever seen me and said how much I've grown. Of course I'd also just got let go from a doc review gig for coding a document(s) wrong. I perform better when I'm down.

2011-10-28T15:27:00.001-07:00

oh- SO after all the hoo-haa here are two of my pics from that infamous photo shoot after my crazy training session.

2011-10-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Dude, is it possible for me to piss anyone else off this week? An open note to the world: I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

2011-10-23T01:48:00.001-07:00

I'm lonely.

2011-10-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

The concert was a lot of fun!

http://www.experienceviza.com/Viza/Welcome.html

2011-10-22T23:40:00.001-07:00

Its Armenian music night @ The Troubadour!

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2011-10-20T22:43:00.001-07:00

Whateve, making out in the rain totally seems like a lot of fun.

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2011-10-15T00:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,
Well tonight is the last night of my craz-tastic fitness regime. Tomorrow morning after a brief training session with my trainer I'll be off to take my body shots at the Marina Del Rey beach, it's supposed to be freezing, woohoo (lol). JoBeth has reminded me that the lovely gals of the Sport's Illustrated swimsuit edition model in the cold all the time so it shouldn't be that big a deal, she's probably right.

In accordance with the instructions of one of my acting coaches I've lathered my abdomen with preparation H and subsequently wrapped it in saran wrap. Yes it is as weird as it sounds, and yes it feels as weird as you would think it does. Apparently this increases muscle definition by making the skin more tight over the muscles... I guess we'll see.

Tonight in accordance with my trainer's instructions I had, brace yourself, part of a medium pepperoni pizza from Dominoes, thin crust of course. This is, from what I've been told, a body building tactic, starving the body of greasy foods and carbs for a period of time and then downing something super carb-a-licious the night before. This makes the veins pop (and also explains why certain foods if consumed too much can cause heart disease).

Eating those delicious slices was like suckling from the breast of the goddess Isis. It was like a grandmotherly angel came and put her arms around me, her warmth and goodness comforting me in body and soul. That's what that pizza was like. Not quite transcendent but otherworldly in its meaning.

And now its bed time, we'll see how these crazy pictures turn out. OH, and tomorrow afternoon I get a cheat day after 1.5 months!!!! WHOOPPPIEEE!!!

2011-10-14T00:55:00.001-07:00

Greetings from...the kitchen. It's been a grueling week, month too, food wise. Every day my meals have been the same but my training regiments have been kicked up a notch. My trainer says its what body builders do to get more cut (lean looking, lines on stomach, etc) before a contest. I'm doing it for my Saturday photo shoot- I need a good body shot (don't worry, it won't be indecent, just something on the beach). So before you feel sorry for me remember that its all voluntary. And now let me describe my own personal hell, lol.
I lift weights three times a week
Every night of the week I have to do a regiment of 20 pull ups, 20 hanging leg raises, and 35 push-ups three times each
Every time I lift I have to do 30 minutes of cardio
Every time I lift I have to do a specific series of ab exercises

This week I've had to do all that and more for my upcoming shoot so I've done that whole routine each night. My photo is on Saturday (one day ONE DAY from now and my life will be back to normal, mhua ha ha ha ha!!)

And the food, oh the food (or lack thereof). I eat the same thing everyday. This week to get me photo ready its been little to no carbs. Let me disclose that is not NOT healthy but for just a week to get one looking all sexy for a photo its fine (or not as bad??).

So basically I have to do a butt load of exercising with less energy. Tomorrow night I get a pizza as the grease in it will make my veins pop, and Saturday morning before the shoot I get some wine. Okay, I'm going to finish set 2 of my pull-up/leg-raise/push-up routine, salmon is in the oven and broccoli is cooking on the stove. Be right back.

Phew, okay, finished sets two and three. Now its time to eat and go to bed, work tomorrow. I was 170lbs before this whole last phase of the program thing. With these crazy workouts I dropped 14 lbs! I miss being 170, but my trainer says my body will get back to normal here soon. The one good part about all this is my stomach looks amazing.

Nighty night!

2011-10-08T02:51:00.001-07:00

When my would-be declared he was buying a new couch I sold my couch, but then he didn't want to move out so now me and my two Romanian/Transylvanian roommates are couchless. I saw this one on CL for cheap and JoBeth really liked it as did I. Everyone else thinks its either too girly, too pervy, or too weird so I'm not getting it.

2011-10-08T02:47:00.000-07:00

So I just got internet in my new apt and now I'm blogging again, woohoo!! This last phase of my training is almost complete. Exactly 7 days from now I'll go and take a body photo and end this insanity! I have a box of Count Chocula ready to eat once I'm done too!

I was afraid my roommates would see it and eat it so I hid the box of Count Chocula in my room for safe keeping. Not that I would mind if they had a bowl of it, but if they ate all of it I'd be upset and weird. So its tucked away safely in my room. Then I bought two more boxes at the grocery store because they had them on sale for $2 each. They're only on sale this time of year (Halloween time!) and they might run out closer to the holiday we get. I thought about hiding those boxes in my room too, but then I reasoned that surely they wouldn't eat both my back up boxes of Count Chocula. So I put them in the cupboard instead.

2011-09-27T01:42:00.000-07:00

So I'm very close to my fitness goal, and part of it is adhering to a diet everyday (not loosing lbs diet but food that is good for muscle growth). Here is what I ate today:
Breakfast
Homemade - Watermelon Juice, 2 C
Old Fashioned Oats - 1 c. dry
Eating Right - Turkey Bacon, 3 Slice
Large Egg White, Fresh, Raw, 6 large raw

Lunch
Spinach - Raw, 6 cup
Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breast, 4 oz.
Yam - baked, without salt

Dinner
Baked Salmon With Garlic, 7.2 oz
Carrots - Raw, 3 strip,
Generic - Brocoli, Raw, 1 cup
Rice - Brown, long-grain, cooked, 1 cup

Snack
Protein Shake

So I did pretty good today although I don't have as much energy as when I was doing the bulking up phase and getting more food. OH, and I really want to have a piece of this cake.

2011-09-27T01:07:00.001-07:00

"You were also on 90210 and you dated Donna with that pic."
JoBeth

2011-09-27T00:48:00.001-07:00

One of the coolest billboards ever! I love you Korea Town.

2011-09-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

This morning I threw down with some woman in the office over a chair.

2011-09-21T01:28:00.001-07:00

I got whistled at by this lady in a jeep at the grocery store parking lot...

2011-09-21T01:27:00.000-07:00

A guy at church told me he thought his hair was so beautiful that it angered God. I wanted to punch him in the face.

2011-09-21T01:17:00.000-07:00

So I've been on a uber intense workout routine with a buddy from church and so far I've been very happy with the results! I've gained about 10lbs of muscle, and have drastically incorporated more veggies into my daily diet. I've been doing al right with vegetables over the last 5 years, trying to get my daily servings of veggies each day and, for the most part, being fairly successful. Over the last two years I've discovered that I love spinach, LOVE it. I enjoy it just raw and washed.

The phase we're entering into now on my workout program is the 'ripping' phase where you altar the routine and your diet to get that uber muscular look on your stomach. This requires, for dudes like me anyways, specific kinds of cardio with the weight training and eating lots of protein and even more green vegetables. SO I've been eating roughly 6-8 cups of spinach a day, some days mixing it up with broccoli, and I've discovered that I really like Kale too. Not surprisingly this new phase also dictates no sweets- sodas, cookies, all the fun stuff are out.

Honestly even before this phase I was pretty good about not junking out. I treat sweets like alcohol, something to be enjoyed in moderation. Now that I'm cold turkey and not allowed any sweets I'm craving them so much! Oh man I'd like a Dr. Pepper with some McDonald's fries! lol. Weird thing is in my normal eating life I'm not a fast food guy, not in the least. I think its because now that I'm not allowed any junk food its more appealing. I went through this w/P90x last summer. Finished the program, had some sweets, and life got back to normal.

Last week I was under the weather and I really wanted some homemade chocolate chip cookies-- comfort food you know? OH and a winchell's do-nut, LOL. I digress....But I'm sticking to it, and none of that for me. BUT I saw in the grocery store where they're selling Count Chocula cereal! I LOVE COUNT CHOCULA. LOVE. HIM. COUNT CHOCULA, IN LOVE. WANT TO EAT THE CEREAL. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
LOL

SO I bought the box and that will be my end of the program treat!

2011-09-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

For anyone whose ever wondered what soft-core porn audition posts look like this is one I ran into today on actor's access. Don't worry, I didn't sign up ;-)

TITLE: KAMIKAZE LOVE
STORYLINE: A Beautiful Woman marries the man of her dreams who pushes her into an addictive voyage of erotic self discovery...

2011-09-05T18:08:00.001-07:00

LOL!
The best roommate ad I've read in awhile!

"I would like to find a female roommate for my ocean view 3 bedroom house. I am a very easy-going nudist, who likes a healthy friendly home life. Rent will be $600 per month. Parking, laundry, internet, cable available with bedroom."

2011-08-31T01:24:00.001-07:00

Today I had 8 cups of spinach.

2011-08-31T01:21:00.001-07:00

I had some chicken tonight but it made me throw up. BLAH

2011-08-26T22:28:00.001-07:00

Dude, tonight in Jiu Jitsu I sparred with Ryron and he roughed me up!

2011-08-17T14:28:00.001-07:00

I just got hired onto another project! Woohoooooo :)

2011-08-17T01:35:00.000-07:00

Strange to have a blazing spot light suddenly light up what you've been doing wrong for a long time. Its nothing super secret, in fact most people who know me know this about me. I'm compulsively late.

Today I got let go from a job because of it- being 15 minutes late to work. Another co-worker of mine (who was on the Survivor reality tv show no less) was also let go for a similar issue (taking too long a lunch).

This is a super wake up call for me. This summer I've lost out on 3 good opportunities due to my lateness, enough is enough. Dr. Phill's website says there are other issues at play when folks are late all the time. One is the desire to assert yourself over other people, prove you're better than they are because they have to wait for you. I'm not sure that's exactly it, but, for instance, there is usually 2-4 things I want to do extra each time before I leave the house for an appointment. It kills me. I've got to stop it. Doc Phill says it can be changed overnight- it will have to be. I'm tired of loosing out on good opportunities because I'm so freaking late all the time.

2011-08-16T00:45:00.000-07:00

Things got topsy turvy today. I'd pretty much dismissed the agent I was supposed to hear from last Monday as, an obvious, no-go. Out of morbid curiosity I asked my manager to give him a call (that's actually not weird). She gets a hold of him and he says he just got around to watching the tape! Now he wants me to film and send in another set of sides that is more my 'type'. LoL

So that's this week's project. Also I'm moving. CRAZY.

2011-08-15T12:13:00.001-07:00

The pregnant lady in the elevator looked sad today.

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2011-08-11T16:44:00.001-07:00

A girl in the office has a headache and another girl is trying to heal it through some kind of crystal ritual (not kidding)

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?

2011-08-11T11:27:00.001-07:00

Oh man, falling asleep at my desk...
Acai juice to the rescue!

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2011-08-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today was disappointing. The agent who called me in for a meeting last Monday said he'd get back with me for sure today on whether or not he'd take me into his agency. I know nothing is for certain but right after our meeting I did a workshop with a casting director he works closely with and she gave me a perfect score which I emailed him. We talked last Friday and he sounded so enthused about the casting meeting and said he'd let me know for sure today. Ah well. Not going to lie and say I'm not disappointed.

It would have been nice to get a yea or nay, if even in email form. As I was leaving work at the end of the day I called and got his voice mail- felt like a huge idiot. Usually it is 'don't call us we'll call you' but this all was all after him contacting me to request a video of me acting, me sending that to him, him bringing me in for a meeting, and then a few phone conversations.

JB told me I can't let my self esteem hinge on what people out here do or think of me, she's right.

After work I stopped by the acting studio to help fix a printer problem. Once I finished I sneaked onto the big stage, took a bow, and recited a line from a novel I love. Then I stood there with my eyes closed for a minute or so and left.

Next door to the studio is a Peet's coffee house. I went by there with my gift card (won it at a bday party on Sunday for my Maleficent costume, it was a weird evening). I told the barrister I had a rough day and asked her what tea she would recommend. The blend she gave me was really good- it was the Jasmine Lime Tea Cooler mixed with Hibiscus, just in case you're interested.

Afterwards I went out into the foyer and sat. Some of the students were outside going over their scripts for the on camera class with their partners. It was foggy and nice- San Francisco weather. My mom talked with me on the phone and she was really comforting- told me I might still hear from him. Jo was also really encouraging although at this point I'm not getting my hopes up- kind of like wishing a girl would call and like you who, in reality, doesn't.

On my walk back my thoughts were still. I stopped and noticed all the leaves on the trees and bushes- each different hue of greens, and the different colors of the flower petals and rooftops. Not beside myself, just still and contemplative. Think I'll watch a movie later. Good movies remind me of why I got into acting. I think I finally know why I want to so bad. Its interesting to touch other people's souls- and acting does that in a way that's different from other art forms. Let's us walk in someone else's shoes and be in their life for a few.

I came home, watched Family Guy with Sam & Lital in the main house (I live in the guest house), played with their 6 month old and then came home and gave Sir Edward the Longshanks a hug.

2011-08-05T23:42:00.001-07:00

This date's getting weeiiirrrddd.

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2011-08-05T16:54:00.001-07:00

Also I spilled some oats in my bookbag today.

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2011-08-05T16:53:00.001-07:00

I remember how happy I was when I found the ice wand in The Legend of Zelda. Ah....

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2011-08-05T15:20:00.001-07:00

So talked with the agent. He'll review the tapes this weekend and get back with me on Monday. Ahhh! LoL

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2011-08-03T10:36:00.001-07:00

Dude next to me is sipping a monster energy drink with a straw...weird. Does he actually like the taste?

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so this morning

2011-08-02T13:23:00.001-07:00

New perspective. I have to learn from what happened and move on. Not every audition is going to have a reader who looks up at you. I have to prepare for the worst cast scenario.

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2011-08-02T02:08:00.000-07:00

So after the...less than savory agent read I go to my friend's house (well first I go home and pout and then I go to my friend's house) where we're supposed to have a guy's Bible study and prayer group. Instead we hang out, and all caravan to the San Pedro beach to see this one breed of fish that squiggles up on shore to mate and lay eggs, and then back into the ocean. It was me, Peter, Joy (a guy), and Grace (girl). We didn't see any fish, guess we got there too late and it was midnight, but it was so much fun!

Weird how you go expecting one thing, fish orgy, and end up doing something completely different (fish search) and it ends up being just as fun. Perhaps that's the way life is sometimes...

I can't let the fiasco with the agent get me down. Tomorrow is a casting director meeting, and I need to be up for it. Right now I'm not catching any fish, but that doesn't mean my life is bad or that people don't love me. And who knows, maybe God will show me where to cast my net where I will catch more fish.

2011-08-02T01:54:00.000-07:00

Wow its time to go to sleep, there's a big ole long day ahead of me tomorrow.
So, there was the agent meeting today. I looked nice, sides meticulously prepped (special session with an acting coach just to make sure), everything was going on the up and up.

The agent met with me and the conversation was great, we discussed my life, his life, movies, what brought me into acting. Then we went onto what he would expect of me, and me of him. It was going pretty good! Lots of laughing and no awkward pauses. Then he wanted to film me doing my sides (short scene), fair enough, no problem. He intended on reading the opposite role (a 2 person scene) from off camera. Long story short he messes up his lines the first take and then we start over, after which he proceeds to warn me that he's a horrible reader (he's an attorney so I'm going to assume he's literate, just bad at theatrical scene reads), and then buries his head into the paper without looking up at me once, the entire scene. I gotta tell ya the scene didn't pop. How could it when you're trying to connect emotionally with someone who didn't even look up at you?

Needless to say I was extremely dissapointed with how that part went. We did a take 2 which wasn't horrible, just not the "Whoa this is awesome stuff" I prepped. That would require, I dunno, the person whose speaking to you actually looking up at you for one second. Particularly when the scene is about a woman trying to bully this prisoner into fighting for sport (don't ask, it was one of the selections he gave). So he's going to review the tapes and get back with me. Honestly I don't feel great about it.
I mean really dude, you're going to mess up on your lines and then be like "whoa, I'm so sorry let's start over." UGH

Then I start to think well, maybe I'm just a bad actor...after all its an actor's job to pierce through the veil of well, reality, and set up these emotional connections with imaginary people. I mean, ever get the feeling like you can't just do anything right? The dude liked me, saw my previously filmed monologue and called me in, and then the side reading ends up being a fiasco. Honestly I'm ashamed about it, and I feel stupid too. Its just that every casting director I've ever read with and audition I've ever gone out on the reader has at least looked up at me, oh I don't know, once during the entire conversation. My friends tell me not to fret over it, and wait to see what the final call is later in the week. We'll see I guess.

yea...

2011-08-01T20:18:00.001-07:00

Don't feel too good about that meeting.

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2011-07-31T23:25:00.001-07:00

Okay,
Things to do before bed:
1. Iron my clothes for work tomorrow. Its business casual, and we have a half day from 2pm-6pm.
2. Clean up my apartment because one of my acting coaches is coming over for a quick session before my agent meeting (have some sides [short scene] to do for it)
3. Rehearse my sides again, make sure they're perfecto.
And that's about it!
I guess that means I need to stop blogging. AH- post bar euphoria is hard to over come, I just want to play and have fun.
Uhoh, I think I'm getting a zit on my forehead. YIKES. Hopefully it won't be too bad for all my stuff tomorrow...

2011-07-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dude- peeps from Jiu Jitsu went to go ride go-karts and I didn't know! ::wah wah waaaaahhhhh:: [muted trumpet]

2011-07-31T23:18:00.000-07:00

Soooo I had a date late Saturday night that was fun. Happened sporadically. I was in Silver Lake (North Hollywood area) for a friend's bday dinner, we had carpooled there with someone else driving. Then during dinner I got a call from the girl saying her plans cancelled and would I like to pick her up later for drinks. I was like sure, but I had to finish the bday dinner, catch a ride back to the westside where my car was, and then hightail it back to the valley to pick her up.

We went to the Griffin Bar which is a place I've wanted to check out for awhile (the name just sounds cool), and it ended up being a nice time. Mainly because we ended up kissing at the pub and more when I dropped her off, lol. I'm very attracted to her, she's beautiful and nice but we just don't have a super great connection yet. All we talk about is acting stuff. Sometimes you have a strong connection, and sometimes not, you know? Maybe it will get stronger.

2011-07-31T13:02:00.002-07:00

Okay, work starts tomorrow at 2pm, half day, and then directly after that I have a meeting with that agent I sent in the monologue to!!! Yesterday and today I'm prepping my sides, but I also have to decide what to wear. I usually don't stress too much over that but I want to make a good impression. One of my acting coaches accuses me of dressing like Ellen from time to time, lol. Whatever, I kind of like her clothes!

I'm thinking something like this

Minus the glasses, shopping bag, and douche bag attitude of course, lol. I also thought of something like this

But I've been told not to wear something you wouldn't wear out in real life, something that isn't you. I think I'd wear something like that, but not necessarily in every day life...
Whatevers, I'll figure it out. I saw someone with gray jeans, a white button up shirt, w/a black vest and tie. Jo Beth thinks grey jeans are meh, but I really like them. Although she is right that they will be out of fashion and officially kind of weird in a year or so. Good thing about living in LA though is you can wear weird things.

2011-07-31T12:55:00.001-07:00

Hello! I feel SO much better now that the bar's over. Honestly I feel pretty good about it but you never know. Its one of those things where if I pass I wont be surprised, but also if I fail it wont be the end of the world.

While I was going over my notes before the exam (I actually got to the testing site about 1.5 hours early, shocking right?) I get this grace of God inkling to study "fee simple estates", a bothersome area of property law so rarely tested over in essay format that even the official study materials suggest not to really incorporate it into your essay prep. Well, I get this mysterious urge to go over it and familiarize myself with the concepts right before the exam, and low and behold one of the essay questions was about exactly that! Crazy right? I really thanked God for that, without going over that stuff at the last minute I would have been clueless as to even begin answering the question.

We'll see if I passed though. The 'decompression' hit me as I walked out of the testing center and was riding the escalator down into the parking garage. There was this funny dressed dude at one of those machines where you stick a quarter in and try to fish out prizes with a movable claw. I don't know why but it made me laugh and then I realized, 'whoa, the bar's over. I don't have to freak out about this anymore!"

It was such a good feeling! I'm still kind of in post-bar euphoria.

2011-07-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

You haven't really lived until you've stayed up all night memorizing the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure...

2011-07-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

"My candle burns at both ends It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light."
Edna St. Vincent Millay

2011-07-25T03:09:00.000-07:00

And we've officially hit the red-bull phase...
oye vey

2011-07-24T16:56:00.000-07:00

Oh man everyone is at Comic Con having the best time and I'm not there!

2011-07-24T16:55:00.002-07:00

"Mystic crystal revelations and the mind's true liberation."

2011-07-24T16:55:00.001-07:00

Entering Test Crazies...
Considered posting parts of the lyrics to "The Age of Aquarius" on here but I stopped short.

2011-07-23T02:28:00.001-07:00

Al right- I have the, wait for it, CA bar on Tuesday and I'm ready to get it over with quite honestly. I'm optimistic though, but I do have a lot more work to do before Tuesday morning, crunch time! And wait, I'm blogging....

I think the stress is getting to me as I had a really weird sex dream about one of the women who work the desk at Jiu Jitsu. Three More days, and its all over. Well four, because I'm taking the attorney's portion so I have a test on Tuesday, Wednesday Break, and then the last on Thursday. Jen and I are going out for Margaritas when its over with.

Oh, also I got hired onto a project that starts the Monday after! Woohooo! I was really stoked and thankful to God that they let me start next week and not this week with everyone else.

Alright, bedtime, I have a casting director workshop in the morning and I'm preparing my sides. No wait, I'm blogging. Yikes. Need to remedy that. Good Night!

2011-07-20T02:25:00.000-07:00

Crazy Times!! The lady who called for the other guy actually wanted me in the film so that's a go. Woohoo- should have my new reel my the end of August (knocking on wood). Bar Prep is, well, horrible, but I'm getting through it (taking the CA bar, not a career change but just needing more legal work for food).

Agent I really liked got back in touch with me! I'm supposed to film a monologue for him this week and send it into his office. Sounds simple right? Its turned out to be the most labor intensive, emotionally draining task you could possibly imagine. LOL. Doesn't help that its a Tennessee Williams' one too. I shot it with an acting coach on Monday. Upon getting home I found that the lighting was too dark and the auto focus was doing strange things the entire time so I couldn't use any of the footage. Thus began the 3 day death march of trying to finish this monologue. And sense I'm shooting it by myself I have no objective input on which take is good so I take an obsessive number of takes until I'm insane. Thank heavens one of my acting coaches watched the clip, haven't sent it in yet, and offered to give me some insight tomorrow.

Good Night All!

2011-07-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

Really lady? You wanted someone named Shawn for the role but you called my phone instead?
Ugh.

2011-07-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

So I forgot my underwear in Jiu Jitsu class today, but I made it through alright. Also I had a rather ineffectual break up with my manager.

2011-07-08T19:12:00.000-07:00

Got done w/a good jog and a workout session! Feeling on top of things! And now back to studying, lol. Wah wah waaaahhhhh (muted trumpet sound).
Here are some of the songs I like to listen to while jogging- don't judge me too harshly!!
1. Riddle of Steel (you've heard it, its a operatic fast paced orchestration used for battle scenes in medieval movies)
2. The Theme song from Superman
3. The Theme song from Indiana Jones
4. The Theme song from Xena (fairly embarrassing)
5. The Theme sons from He-man/She-ra (probably the most embarrassing, lol)
6. Rock you like a hurricane- The Scorpions
7. Mortal Combat Techno mix
8. James Bond Techno Remix (sounds weird, but is so cool)
9. Die Another Day (used to listen to this one all the time while jogging but I don't a lot anymore, played out I guess)

For lifting its a hodgepodge, just whatever fits the mood of the moment I guess.

2011-07-08T18:40:00.001-07:00

I'm not really a 'car person' but man...

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2011-07-08T13:26:00.001-07:00

Well I'm feeling a little apprehensive and weird today. I contact an agent I really liked shot me an email late last night asking me to send over my reel. And my reel, well, isn't good. It consists of a lot of student/indie films I did when I first got to CA and in Miami when I wasn't very good (much better actor now). So one of my summer goals is to completely re-do it before the end of August, and I've already shot one short film, so I have about 3-4 more to go.

After talking to a few industry friends they suggested just being honest- saying the reel isn't ready but I have several prepped monologues to perform, and requesting a meeting. That was this morning around 1045, and I still haven't heard back. I mean its not like this one thing will make or break me, but its an agency I really liked and hearing back from them would be great.

2011-07-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

Jiu Jitsu is closed this week for summer vacation. Found this out when I showed up for class, lol.

2011-07-08T13:17:00.002-07:00

Ever just want to shuck it all and start a new life in some country near the Mediterranean? Preferably not Libya.

2011-07-08T13:17:00.001-07:00

I usually like Constitutional Law...what gives?

2011-06-30T12:06:00.002-07:00

2011-06-30T12:06:00.001-07:00

2011-06-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm setting up a new acting website and too a few quirky photos for the front page.

2011-06-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

Ah yet another prolonged period of silence. Bad blogger, Joseph. Bad blogger. Things are going...pretty good in my world. Honestly I haven't been blogging a whole lot because I've been kind of moody and I didn't want to give the impression that I was a manic depressive. Both positive and negative things have been happening to me, so I'm focusing on the positive and the negatives aren't so bad.

Okay--> ripping off the bandaide and going to write about the few bad things that have happened to me since early June.

1. I Got fired from a doc review gig because (I think anyway) the staff attorney criticized some of my work. I've been disciplined at law firms before for behavior issues (and yes I'm 12 evidently) but my work has never been at issue so that was weird and disappointing. I think that's what happened. They never told me why they were letting me go which was also kind of strange. Law firms, as far as these contract attorney gigs go, have a frustrating style of management where its all or nothing. Either they'll put up with people nearly throwing down in the break room or they fire you for sneezing.

2. Screwed up a call back audition for a role I really would have enjoyed playing. They loved me on my 1st round, and said my performance was near perfect. On my call back I thought I'd show my range and change my objectives around thinking it would show my range. It ended up just being flat.

3. I'm studying for the CA bar. BLAH

Okay! So positives
1. I got a call back audition! Since I got in the union it has been hard getting auditions but getting a call back and really positive feedback on my 1st performance was great for me!

2. Casting Directors are seeing me perform and giving me really good feedback. This is also a nice milestone whereas before I wasn't performing in front of casting directors. Its difficult to get called into them unless you have a good agent, but you can't get a good agent unless you booked some roles which is impossible to do unless you can get in front of a casting director. And that's my world- lol.
When I first got to LA I didn't have someone to show me the ropes so basically I've been finding things out on my own up to this point. I thought I could tackle things the same way I did in Miami (i.e. get agents simply through mail out submission who would in turn submit me for good roles, doesn't work that way in LA). BUT guess what, they are seeing me perform and they really like what they see. It helps me realize I'm not just chasing the wind out here, and sometimes it can really feel that way.

3. The doc review market has picked up.

4. My workouts and trainings are really going well.

2011-06-18T22:20:00.001-07:00

On my way to see Green Lantern :)

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2011-06-16T02:00:00.001-07:00

Its 2am and I really don't want to be eating this spinach.

2011-06-12T12:06:00.001-07:00

My legs are so sore.

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2011-06-05T21:41:00.001-07:00

I'm really into this Dr Who episode!

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2011-06-01T11:09:00.001-07:00

Super random but I love this commercial!

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2011-05-27T13:32:00.001-07:00

Crap, I think I dressed too casual for casual Friday ...

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2011-05-13T22:46:00.001-07:00

Ah good wine, friends, and a REALLY weird French film.

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2011-05-13T15:26:00.001-07:00

In heaven a spirit doth dwell whose heartstrings are a lute.
None sing so wildly well, as the angel Israfel.
-Poe

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2011-05-03T16:03:00.001-07:00

Crap, conference call with the firm's partner and I can't breathe out of my nose!

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2011-05-02T14:16:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking a lot about Pirates all of a sudden...

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2011-05-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

I can't live under a cloud of gloom and doom anymore. I've made the conscious decision to overcome this and push through. Life isnt easy, and its not fair, but I'm not going to live with this constant doubt and fear that's been plaguing me. I'm closer to my goals than I was when I started, and that counts for something.

With God's help I'm pushing through.

2011-04-24T23:51:00.001-07:00

Really Mom, the "I wish you were married w/children so you'd be a real grown up" talk had to happen this weekend?

yo

2011-04-13T15:43:00.001-07:00

And we're back. Polyamorus relationship ended, moved into new place, seeking work, Sir Edward Longshanks is happy, I'm doing OK but I get depressed when I'm out of work.

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2011-03-20T12:57:00.001-07:00

My trainer @ golds has destroyed my legs! How am I going to help Mike move the fridge?

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