Therapy was really helpful last week after my holiday weirdness. I'll try to streamline and itemize the things we talked about and how the conclusions helped me.
My issues (for that day, lol)
1. The feelings of shame and worthlessness I get from comparing myself to other attorneys (and working actors)
2. The same feelings that surface when I'm unemployed, i.e. I'm not earning well so my ancestors (grandparents and those who passed before me) as well as my current relatives are ashamed of me.
3. The idea that I'm the same as my older brother who is a drug addict and destitute or that people, my family, view me as such.
4. and the strain/fam conflict that was around during the holidays coupled w/my mother's yearly holiday madness.

Essentially he helped pick through the reality of the situation vs. the way I'm feeling about a particular situation.
1. My life journey is different than that of my peers, particularly other attorneys. I made the choice, a long time ago, not to pursue a legal career, at all basically and thus my life is not going to look like someone who hopped into a big law firm out of school.
Then we talked a lot about definitions of success, and how I automatically assumed that equates money. For instance, I forsook an attorney's life, basically, and the $$ that could have come with it didn't appeal to me because the life I thought was so unappealing. And there are plenty of people struggling.

Its weird for me because I didn't grow up struggling, and was earning pretty good $$ doing contract work for a few years right out of law school. Basically I'm learning not to associate my self worth with how much money I have at the moment. If that's my focus I would need to change my life, not focus on acting, and focus on a legal which I don't want to do.

Also anytime I get weird about my progress in acting he always tells me his Tori Spelling story. It goes like this: he had a client, stunningly beautiful and a great actress as he'd seen her perform before. She couldn't make it in Hollywood, it was too trying for her emotionally so she gave up and went back home. Then there's Tori Spelling, who, by many accounts, is not a good, or even mediocre, actress or really that attractive, and she's made tons of movies. Why's it like that? That's just the bizarro way our industry works, if someone isn't doing well in it, it's not their talent, looks, or worth as a performer that is necessarily the problem.

That being said I'm in it to win it out here, but that analogy is comforting, in a strange way.

2. My past relatives/ancestors who I perceive would be ashamed of me. He asked me where they came from, the short answer is various parts of Europe. Then he said, "well it stands to reason they brought all their vast fortunes over here with them".
I responded, of course they didn't, they were dirt poor immigrant farmers, then I had the epiphany. This whole time I've been worried that bunch of dirt poor farmers would look down on me for being poor. It was like a weight lifted off me. I don't know why I beat myself up so bad over those kind of things, but I have to stop.

3. For thinking that I'm just like my brother we dissected it like this. He's the way he is as a result of 100s of choices he's made over the 25 years. It didn't just happen. The concept that I'd be just like him sporadically is ludicrous. Also we talked about how when we see things like that, people in distress, extreme poverty, etc it is going to affect us in emotionally stirring ways, particularly when its your own family. However the line is when I start constructing illogical worries that spring out of that.

4. Then we talked about how the strain of the holidays is just there, and expecting there to be no strain can actually cause strain. Its okay to feel distressed over it, but don't think its going to be perfect. Also, I need to let my mom just be my mom. She wants a big to-do at her house, but hates preparing for it. That's just who she is , and as crazy as it makes me I just need to accept it. She has fun once the party starts, and I just need to take her for who she is and let her be stressed if she's stressed.

Labels: Wednesday's session