Hello Blog,
I've been meaning to talk about this for awhile but have not because I was afraid of looking to sullen or being a downer all the time. That being said its time to come clean, I struggle with depression.

I've been aware of it for roughly 6 months although those closest to me say its been more like 1 year and a half. This doesn't mean I'm down all the time, but my emotions have been really fluctuating from normal (with all expected highs and lows) to going way down when something bad happens.

So there it is. I've been seeing a therapist about it and things have been really improving, but the holidays were particularly difficult for me. Thankfully my depression is categorized as minor so there is no medication involved, only therapy and generally talking about my feelings and problems.

A lot of my depression stems from my general feelings of worthlessness when I'm off work. I do these contract attorney gigs (temp work) to finance the pursuit of my dream (Acting). When I first got out to LA these projects were, for the most part, plentiful. I never went that long without work and I landed some pretty sweet gigs that lasted for a long time. I got used to earning a higher income in a fairly cushy environment. And then it all just, fell apart. The recession happened, a lot of doc review dried up, and now I can wait about a month or two between projects. When that happens I feel ashamed, and shunned like I've let my family and society down.

When I was at home for Christmas the first night, I couldn't sleep so I went in the living room at night and looked through all the old photos of my grandparents and old relatives long gone. I couldn't shake the feeling that they would all be ashamed of me, and wish I wasn't there descendant because of the way my life is.

It was my job to go pick up my eldest brother and his son for Christmas eve. Both of them are basically destitute and when I saw them I got this overwhelming dread that I too would end up like that and that all my family thought I was of the same caliber. It put in a funk for the rest of the evening that I didn't bounce back from until much later in the night.

My shrink has really helped me when I deal with those kind of emotions and jump to those crazy conclusions. It stems from examining the reality vs. the emotions of what I'm feeling and then responding in certain ways. I.E. there's no evidence whatsoever that my family looks on me w/disdain, quite the opposite in fact, so I'm supposed to take that information and use it to quell the irrational feelings. I was doing so well with my daily life, but the holidays just got me in such a funk. I think because I wasn't prepared to deal with a lot of the family dynamics.

For instance holiday planning drives my mother, well bonkers. She almost teeters on the edge of reason when it comes to preparing holiday festivities for the whole family. The irony of the situation is she insists on having it at her house. Also there was some tension as to other family members not wanting to spend Christmas with my eldest brother who is a drug addict. So stepping into that got me down and pulling back up was difficult.

That being said there were lots of great times at home this year, fun parties, had a great day with my sis and nephew on Monday, Christmas eve was great once I got my head on straight.

So I'm still struggling. I thought I was out of the woods but I guess I have a way to go.

Labels: Handling Depression